I use some of those same questions, Joy, when trying to identify how people in the room are related. But then I have to accept what they say, and if they don’t feel comfortable enough with me to tell me the truth, we’re stuck in a surface-level conversation until that trust has been established.
I’m also aware there are things chaplains can do to clue people in that they are a safe person to talk to. In the vernacular, LGBTQ people tend to have “gaydar” and often can recognize professionals who also are LGBTQ. But chaplains who are straight can wear buttons or stickers on their ID badges that immediately communicate to minority groups that they are an ally and therefore safe to confide in. Your language of inclusion and your comfort with the couple together also can help.