I too had to watch my mom decline and toward the end I would say suffer. She was on hospice and lost her mobility the last two months and that was very hard on her. The last week I was able to be with her as she kept asking me where the light was? She couldn’t find it and she was ready to go! I resonate with your deep feelings of loss and wanting things to be different but realize that for my mom it was time to go to the next life, but like the author, wonder desperately where she is and if she likes heaven as much as we have been led to believe we will. The list of those I love who are there continues to grow so she will have others to talk to – and I can’t help but wonder if they talk about me? See me? Help me in some abstract way. I have a bird feeder in my backyard and cardinals have always reminded me of my parents and I have a pair that come and eat at the feeder each day. I call them my “mom and dad” — in a way it comforts me and helps me to think they are close by.